“You’re weak, You’re pathetic, You have nothing to live for, JUST DO IT!” they scream. The voices pound against your skull as your body responds and starts to violently shake. Your chest tightens and your lungs feel as if they are being dunked in a tub of water… more or less water torture. You can’t breathe. You can’t think… and there is nothing you can do about it until your body says that your mind can have control again. You are crippled to reality.
Everything described above is what I experience in a full-blown panic attack. I decided to write this blog post due to what I’ve been seeing on Facebook lately. “I’m having some anxiety about this issue…etc.” Anxiety and Worry are two completely different things. Anxiety will make you question every thought you have. It physically hurts. Your chest feels tight even when making the simplest decisions… and that’s just the bare minimum. Worry ends and you will go on with life. Anxiety does not… and unfortunately, IS your life.
I’ve been awake for the last 48 hours. Why? Because Insomnia is yet another wonderful (insert sarcasm) effect of anxiety. Granted, Anxiety comes in many forms. Here’s what I’ve seen that it can do so far.
- Produces Hives
- Binge Eating/Lack of Appetite
- Repetitive Movements (like pacing or drumming your fingers)
- Suicidal Thoughts
Yes, there are plenty more I haven’t mentioned. These are just the things that I’ve seen happen within my own mind and body, and also those who I know have clinically diagnosed anxiety issues. My point is… making someone’s problem so flippant on social media kinda makes you a sucky person. No offense. Anxiety is Real. Don’t downgrade it just because you might not be able to see it. People with anxiety are pros at hiding what they truly feel… that is until it explodes into one big panic attack mess. (Then you tend to physically see it).
Example: Last week, The anxiety part of my brain decided to take over about a decision I was making. Most of my closest friends know that I personally could care less about what people think about me. Yet, the anxiety told me to overly care about this particular situation, which in turn, made it into something messy and out of my control. The “normal(I put this in quotation marks because y’all know I’m crazy lol)” Victoria would have done things in a calm manner. The anxiety-controlled Victoria decided to be rash and cut off not just the bad things but the good things in her life too. Because of that anxiety attack (not full blown panic attack *I will explain the difference in a bit), I have not been able to get more than 2 hours of sleep each night, there are hive bumps on my stomach, and I’m in a constant mode of shakiness… all that, constantly, for a week… why? Because my body is still anxious. My mind is fine. That’s why I’m able to talk to you guys about this. But my body is the one that I am forced to submit to.
*Now, I said that I would explain the difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. The panic attack is that scenario that I described in the first paragraph. Basically, crying, hyperventilating, shaking all while in a fetus position on the floor. It’s pretty gnarly and scary if you’re watching it and don’t know how to help the person going through it. I mean, it’s bad for the person actually going through it too, but I know I feel extra worse when I have someone around me when it happens. Anyway, an anxiety attack is like a flood, but in your mind. Hundreds of possibilities of the outcome of a situation molest your mind all at once. Then it becomes an out of body experience. You see the decisions you’re making, but you can’t stop them from happening. Usually, when you can’t think, the decisions you make are normally bad ones…And sometimes, you can’t come back from the aftermath.
Last thing on my list to talk about is the Why. Personally, Sometimes I can peg exactly why an anxiety or panic attack is happening. Like, a certain thought tossed me into it or something similar to that. But other times, I can’t figure out why it happened. I could be sitting there playing pokemon *true story* and I start hyperventilating and panicking out of nowhere. Try talking to a therapist. I’m serious. I know some of you think that you have to be completely looney to chat with them, but they can help. And someone with anxiety wants help… because they do feel like they are one marble short of a set.
If you have anxiety, I’m not writing this to scare you. I’m writing all of this so I can help you manage it. Doctors are great people, but they too easily give out pills for these types of things. Truthfully, I was on them, and it made me feel so mentally and emotionally numb, that I knew I had to get off of them. So, I advise trying to control it yourself. The moment that tight feeling starts to develop in my chest, I have been writing down exactly what I’m thinking. It helps. It truly does. Sometimes, I forget to do that, and I have to submit, yet again, to that beotch Anxiety… You can’t blame yourself for something that’s out of your control. That mentality will drive you mad.The sooner you realize it’s not your fault, the better. It will motivate you to figure out the best way for you to subdue your anxiety.
Comment below and don’t forget to live life with a Multicolored Perspective <3